Evil Stepmom or “Bonus” Mom

Why is it that in most Disney movies they depict stepmoms as wicked or evil? Finally, a few years back there was a movie made called Stepmom that actually depicted something a little more realistic that shows the struggles from all angles, the kids, the dad, the mom and the stepmom. Hey, blended families are not for the weak I can tell you that! Being a stepmom isn’t easy. Maybe for me it’s been a little harder because of my struggle in not having a biological child of my own when I so desperately wanted one, BUT, I am here to tell you, that if this is your calling in life, you can make it one of the most rewarding jobs you ever have and the blended family can actually prosper and produce happy, productive kids!

My husband and I started dating about 11 years ago, married 9 tomorrow. At first, I wasn’t sure I wanted to jump into that role. It was a few months before I ever met the kids and spent any kind of quality time with them. But, they won me over pretty quickly. I remember the first time the kids talked me into going to a sporting event. I had not met their mother and really wanted to sneak in there and be invisible. As luck would have it, the 4 year old sees me and starts screaming my name. So much for not being seen! At first, I think that’s how you approach the role, you want to be apart but yet still be invisible. Everybody involved has to figure out your role and how you’re going to fit into the dynamics of their family and their new normal as well. I don’t think I maneuvered the role very well in the beginning. I wanted my own child so badly and in my 30s those dreams were sliding by pretty quickly. Couple that with the fact that I had this innate need for love and attention like I had an innate need for food, didn’t bode well and I wanted to swoop in and save the day. These kids didn’t need another mother, they had one and my role was not to take over her role as their mother. I read book after book after book on co-parenting and blended families and being apart and how to navigate this. I remember in one book the author, who was stepmom herself, said that divorced parents are not going to agree on everything, if they were that agreeable, they most likely wouldn’t have been divorced in the first place. Okay, so we’re not all going to agree on everything or think the same way on everything, but we can all co-parent, have our individual roles and get along! So here’s what I learned and have tried my  best to live. These kids deserve us both in all our glory. We all bring our unique personalities to them and that’s okay! And, it’s okay for the kids to have both and not have to choose or make one more important than the other! They should never be put in that position. EVER! One of us may be a good cook, one may not. One may be able to sew, one not, one better with homework, one not. You get my drift here. Chances are, it’s going to be two different households but both serve the purpose of raising well rounded kids that become successful adults some day. Here’s a side thought for you though. There’s a pretty good chance that you and your husband’s ex-wife actually have some things in common. WHAT!? Yep! Most people do have a type in choosing partners! If you’re struggling, maybe try to find that common ground. Hear me when I say that you and the birth mother can get along, can talk, you can have joint parties for the kids, you can celebrate holidays together and like my situation, even go on vacation and stay in the same hotel room for a week! Those kids need to see a united front and never should be made to feel like they have to choose one set of parents over the other. We’re all adults and it’s not the kids fault their family was split up in the first place.

That being said, I know not every situation is easy. I’m sure there have been times my kids mom has not been happy with me or liked something I did. We’re human, but even if you’re not getting along like we have, you can work on yourself in the situation. If either the stepmom or birth mom are  not willing to make this work, I’m not sure you can really do it alone, but you can try, for the kids sake. My suggestion is read books, pray, talk to a counselor, figure out what you can do to help the situation and not bring more turmoil to it. If you’re a struggling mom, no matter from what side, give yourself some love and patience through this journey! None of us are perfect and we don’t have to be! We can all realize though, that any amount of love our kids receive is a good thing! Any amount of help, guidance, support we can all give will not be in vain! Let’s raise some pretty great kids and some day, we will all be rewarded for all our tears, sleepless nights and days we’ve told God we’re not sure we can do this! We can do this! TOGETHER!

With love for you all,

Shauna

Daddy Issues?

I have literally been fighting writing about this topic for two days now, but the urge to write about it is not going away so here goes…Let me first start by saying from the very beginning that I will simply be sharing my story! Trust me when I say, I want to help other people, not judge them!

So here goes…I will be the first to admit that I have daddy issues, and that has formed the men I have chosen and many decisions I have made concerning relationships throughout my teen and adult life. My dad wasn’t around or involved in my life growing up. He worked a great deal, I will totally give him that, he was a hard working man who provided financially for our family, and for that I am appreciative, but he also chose other people over being there for my brother and myself.  I realize that many say it is a generational thing for dads, they worked and moms stayed home and took care of the kids, but I don’t believe that is any excuse for not being involved in your children’s lives. To a girl, your dad is the first man you will love, the person by whom you hold the standards of how men treat you.  I never remember my dad hugging me, or showing up for anything I was involved in or even just taking the time to sit down and talk to me. It was awkward for him to even say he loved me. It was awkward for us to stand near each other and take a picture. He never told me I was smart or beautiful or special in any way.  We never talked. I laughed the other day telling someone that my brother and I could have skipped school every day of the week and totally flunked out of school and I’m not sure my dad would have ever known. It’s not funny, that’s just the reality. Not only was that going on, but he didn’t always treat my mom well. I grew up listening to my mom be screamed at and called names. I typically spent all my time at home in my room with my music blaring to drown it all out. To the outside world, my dad could be absolutely amazing! People loved him, he was Mr. Personality, but he was very different to those of us who he should have been taking care of. I remember in high school just thinking I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I did very well in school and did what I was supposed to do to go to college, took the SAT, did well, applied to IU, got in, applied to a program in the School of Optometry and got it…and then…started dating a guy. A much older than me guy who wanted me to get a job and not go to college so guess what I did? Yep, I got a job instead. DUMB!!! Not one of my smartest moments, but it got me out of the house. I thought this was going to be so awesome and right away, I set out trying to do anything in my power to please this guy.  This totally set me on a path of people pleasing because it got me attention. I did this in every relationship I was ever in. I had to look the best, work the hardest, being an immaculate house keeper and an awesome cook because that’s what I thought would cause somebody to love me and take care of me and pay attention to me. Let me just tell you, that did not get me the love and attention I so desperately sought.  One would think that given that upbringing,  that I would have turned out to be pretty unemotional and not much of a touchy person, but I am in fact quite the opposite. I turned out to be a very needy person and quite honestly, looking back, I’m not sure how any guy would have wanted to sign up for that. What that did was allow me to get into some abusive relationships and to take things from men that was far worse than anything my dad ever did.

OK, let me turn this around now. I had to give you a little back story. This is not a bash my dad or bash men post at all! I have had to pray a lot and go to quite a bit of counseling over the years to deal with these issues, but one thing I have to impress is that I have finally arrived a place of forgiveness. I had to because it wasn’t hurting my dad or anybody else that’s hurt me, it was hurting me and I choose to live a life of joy. I don’t want to live in bitter or reliving the pain of the past every day of my life. I am not the only one with a dad like that, I am not the only woman who has been abused and I am not going to feel sorry for myself! I am who I am today because of what has happened in the past but if I can help somebody else not live through any of that, then that’s my mission! Women, talk to your husbands/boyfriends/significant others/grandfathers/uncles about the way they treat these girls and get them to understand the importance of loving them, telling them how special they are, taking them out for a date night, just asking how their day went and showing an interest! We can influence the type of person our daughters and grand daughters and nieces end up with and how they allow themselves to be treated!

Lastly, if you’re a woman who has dealt with any issues like this where you felt unloved, abandoned, abused get professional help! This does not have to define who you are! You are beautiful! You are loved! You are capable! You can do and be anything you want to be in life!!! Find it in your heart to forgive that person. Notice I didn’t say forget because I don’t think we ever truly forget, but we can forgive and I think to move on, we have to forgive! I don’t know what you believe, but you do have a heavenly father that does love you so very much and thinks that you are perfect so rest in that!

With love for you all! Shauna

 

 

Love YOUrself!

Since I just got done with a session at the gym with my trainer I feel like that’s the direction I need to go this morning. Oh, who am I kidding, I laid awake last night knowing what today’s blog was going to be about, wishing and praying that I could just go to sleep since 5:15 comes early!

Wow, where does my journey begin with my lifelong obsession with my appearance and yo-yo dieting and abuse of my body. Well, I can tell you, that it doesn’t start really young. My mom is an amazing cook and baker and we ate well growing up. I guess I have always been a foodie! I LOVE food and trying new things and going to new restaurants. I think I missed my calling, should have been a food critic! HA! It’s possible that my body image issues first were learned by watching my mom. My mom was always so insecure about her appearance and weight gain and food. I learned years later that came from her own issues within her marriage, I understand where it came from, and she was trying to heal herself, not aware that my brother and I would both end up having the same issues with fear of weight gain. It’s comical now, the first time my mom and I visited my brother in CA in the early 2000s, we met his friends and after spending some time with them, one said OMG you guys are all alike?! Awe thanks, but it wasn’t a compliment. He meant we all look in the mirror and see what is wrong with us and think if we eat we’re going to get fat. At the time I didn’t really think about it, but looking back, yes, we all did have an obsession with our appearance. I don’t; however, believe that’s where my poor body image comes from. It’s not my mom’s fault. My mom over the years turned that into education and has really studied food and supplements and what you should do and eat to fuel your body! I admire her for that! She turned her insecurity into a positive thing.

I really believe that it all started at age 12, when a family member walked in, looked at me and said “WOW! Look at the size of those thighs!” I remember looking down and thinking they must be really large. That began my quest to make sure they were always covered up and nobody saw them. In middle school and high school, I did everything in my power to get out of swim class so my classmates wouldn’t see my huge thighs. I wouldn’t change in the locker rooms in front of anybody. At church camp while the other girls wore cute little short sets to bed, I always wore a nightgown that covered my legs.  Then, in my first serious relationship in my late teens/early 20s, I was with a guy who always commented all the time about the size of my thighs. I even went so far as to tell him I would work them. WHAT!? Yep, I said that! That’s where my real obsession about my body image started. If I recall, I weighed about 115. Real big huh!? I was criticized about everything I wore, everything I put in my mouth to the point that I would hide food in my car, gorge myself, work out with crazy cardio and then take laxatives to not get big. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have a person ask you in public if you really need to eat that? It’s humiliating. I got addicted to laxatives and thus begin what I would call a mild case of an eating disorder. That was also around the time though that I met a trainer that would change my life 20 years later. When I first trained with him, it was only to keep the one person in my life who should have loved me unconditionally to not talk about my weight. I trained hard, but I wasn’t real into it, it was for the wrong reasons. If only I had all the money today that I had spent in the diet pills, diet drinks, work out programs, etc. that I spent in my 20s and 30s! I would have a large sum of money in the bank, but I was never truly happy no matter what size I was. I just felt huge.

My weight over the years has gone from 115 to almost 180 and all over in between. You know what was missing!? I NEVER loved ME! Never! My self worth and my opinion of myself was always the opinion of others! I let that dictate so much in my life.  Food became my best friend, my drug, my confidant, my spouse, my everything. When I found out I wasn’t going to be able to have a baby without help, my weight spiraled out of control. With every procedure, with every drug, with every shot I had to give myself, with every disappointment every single month of whatever we did at the time not working, I would get bigger. Not just from the stuff I was pumping in myself, but I would eat to ease my pain. Not by chance, during all of this, I met my brother’s trainer while on a visit to CA. She set me down one afternoon in my brother’s living room and had a heart to heart with me. We cried, we talked, we prayed and she said to me, you have got to dig deep within yourself, love yourself and realize your worth! Finally after realizing the dream of never being a biological mother was gone, being at my heaviest weight and looking like I had been blown up with a tire pump, but also remembering the words of the trainer/friend from CA, I set down in tears and sent an email to my trainer from 20 years prior and said please help me! I am ready to take care of myself! At 40 I was finally ready. I realized I was heading down a terrible road of poor health. High blood pressure, heart issues and strokes run in my family and that’s where I was headed.

It’s not been an easy journey over the past 3 years. I have had ups and downs and lots of tears and bumps in the road, but I am learning to love myself for the first time and to realize that I am worth it. The bible says to love your neighbor, but how could I ever love anybody else the way I was supposed to when I hated myself? Do we not realize that we are fearfully and wonderfully made?? God made us exactly who we are supposed to be, to look the exact way we are supposed to look and that is perfect!! Get up every single morning, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself I am worth it, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am the best version of myself and go be that! Live the best version of yourself and live each and every day with purpose! You were put on this earth for a reason! You serve a purpose but if you’re not the best version of yourself, you may never serve that purpose and somebody needs you!! I am happy to report that over the past 3 years, I have lost 30 pounds of PURE FAT! I feel strong and athletic, 2 words that before now, nobody would ever use to describe me! I feel like with each day, I am healthier with my food choices, even though I am still that foodie, and I realize that food is our fuel, not our enemy! I am here to tell you, that if I can do it, all of you can do!! So get out there and go be the healthiest, best version of YOU!!!

With love for you all, Shauna

Welcome to Shauna’s Sisters

Welcome to my blog. My  name is Shauna Snyder. For some time now I have felt like God has been leading me to start a blog to share my testimony and hopefully encourage other women. I have no idea where this journey will take me, but somehow helping others helps me find purpose in my pain. I was raised in a dysfunctional family, married young, divorced, remarried, have dealt with fertility issues, endometriosis and being a step mom. I have dealt with eating disorders, weight gain, yo-yo dieting and finally at 43 and am getting my health in check.  I hope in sharing my story that it will somehow encourage someone else to realize that they too can make it and life can be better and even really good, meaningful and a life of purpose! I look forward to starting this journey with you all.