Do you have boundary issues?

When we think about boundaries, this could mean several things. If we own a home, we have boundaries that show what is our lot versus what is our neighbors. If you own a pet, you may have an electric fence or some other fencing that is up showing the pet the boundaries of where they can and cannot go or keeping the pet safely within the confines of your yard. If you have small children, putting up a fence also keeps them safe within the confines of your yard. Boundaries are put up to provide us safety. Boundaries are put up to show what we have control over. It is also equally important in life to have boundaries with people. I have a horrible time with setting boundaries and have been told this by several different counselors I have seen over the years. I let people take advantage of me. I do this for several reasons really. I struggle to tell people no because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I do too much for some people because I want them to like me. I let people say whatever they want and hurt me because they hold positions in my life that I have been taught to respect and that they hold authority. Anybody feeling me today?

I love the serenity prayer that says “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” We are powerless to change people. I’m sure by now if you have lived very long you know that to be true. I struggle enough to change myself. It’s hard to get healthy and lose weight. It’s hard to learn to say no. It’s hard to change my mindset. It’s hard to deal with things about myself that I need to change. That should be proof enough that if we struggle to change ourselves, we for sure are not going to change anybody else. In the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, they state that we need to clarify our boundaries. They say it like this “In other words, God, clarify my boundaries! You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God to change you. You cannot change anything else; not the weather, the past, the economy – and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.” Do you think that it’s possible that we don’t set boundaries because it’s easier when we know deep down we’re not going to change someone so why even go through the pain of setting those boundaries? If we don’t set the boundaries, we won’t have to deal with the backlash. However, we then suffer.

Why is it so hard to set boundaries and say no? Why is it so hard to be able to tell our friends, thank you for the invitation, but I don’t want to attend? Why is it so hard to tell our family, it’s not okay for you to treat me this way, I’m going to have to love you from a distance? Why is it so hard to say you can no longer hurt me and to make sure that happens, I cannot be in your life? I believe for me, and probably many others, it’s fear. It’s fear of somebody not liking me. It’s fear of somebody thinking I am selfish. It’s fear of not receiving love. Its fear of not keeping love. What we do though when we cannot set these boundaries is set ourselves up for torment and sleepless nights, unrest and manipulation, and that is not okay! We make ourselves prisoners and that is not okay! It’s not only possible, but okay to set rules and boundaries and stand up for ourselves without hurting people. If they choose not to respect the boundaries, maybe they don’t need to be an active part of our lives and that is perfectly fine! Life is too short to not live with peace and joy in our hearts.

Please don’t think I am the expert on this subject because let me tell you, I am knee deep in the middle of this right now. Even though I have had professionals and friends and family all tell me I have to set boundaries with people, I have not implemented them in my life. You see, I have this little problem called people-pleasing. I’m not going to go into the million things throughout my life that has cultivated me being this way. For the sake of this today, just some background. Hello my name is Shauna and I am a people-pleaser! This causes some real challenges for me in setting boundaries. So therefore, I don’t set them and I am at 45 years old letting people manipulate me and cause me some pretty severe pain right now.

I have a family member who has some severe issues they choose not to deal with so their issues get taken out on whoever will allow them. For the past couple years this person has been me. The past year and even just the past 6 months, things have gotten increasingly ugly and has affected me in some pretty deep and dark ways. It has caused some severe depression and anxiety within me. It has affected my marriage, ruined holidays and caused some very dark days. People have told me until they’re blue in the face you have to stop that, and I know it, but it’s so incredibly hard for me. To some people the solution seems so easy and trust me, I wish it were this easy for me. After an incident yesterday on Father’s Day, I realized, I can no longer go on like this and some clear and concise boundaries are going to have to be set or I am literally going to lose my mind. It is not fair that this person puts their anger and hurt on me, but I am the one letting them. If I don’t let them, they will have to deal with their own issues. They’re not my issues to pick up and deal with it so why do I?

You see, when you’re a caregiver and a helper, you tend to take on everybody’s stuff around you. What we fail to realize is how unhealthy this is on us. It is possible to be a caregiver and a helper and still not take on everybody’s dog do do! It is possible to be a caregiver and a helper and love people but in healthy ways. So hear me out today. If you find yourself in a position like I do, choose to forgive and then love and set those clear and healthy boundaries. People will get angry with us. People will fight back. People probably won’t like us, but we deserve peace too! We must take care of ourselves! We must love ourselves enough to know we deserve better and that is okay!

With love for you all,

Shauna