My Story

This morning as I got up and was doing my morning routine of devotions, prayer and meditation, something said to me post about your story. I thought about it for a minute, and told myself my story isn’t different than a lot of people’s story, who wants to hear that. In fact, there are people who have had way worse traumas in their lives! I went out to the garage to work out and I still kept feeling something say tell your story, somebody needs to hear it. I am a firm believer in listening. For me, I feel like it’s God leading me or giving me these gut feelings. You may call it something else, but nonetheless, I couldn’t fight the feeling I was having so here goes. Read on if you choose, or stop right here. Let me preface this by saying, this is only my story. I am not a victim, I am not looking for sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. I am truly blessed beyond measure! I have just always felt that the only way I could make any sense out of pain or trauma was to help somebody else so if I help just one person today, then I have done what I started out to do.

Where to begin. Well, I was raised in a home with quite a bit of struggle and turmoil emotionally. We were provided for and well. We had a nice home, clothes we needed, food, electricity, etc. We had those essentials. What we didn’t have was the example of a stable marriage. What we didn’t have was the example of what a husband should look like. My mom tried. She was an awesome cook and seamstress, she loved us and she loved God. She did the best she could. What we witnessed was it always being just her, me and my brother. Alone at church, a lot of times alone at family functions, always her alone sitting out in the crowd at anything for school. I would watch her and could see often in her eyes how alone she felt. My dad was gone a lot. He was a very hard worker, he liked nice things and he worked hard for them. What he didn’t know how to be really, was a caring father and husband. I know he himself never had an example of that so I’m sure he thought he was doing the best he knew how. What this did to me was want more than anything to have a real family who did things together. What this did was make me crave attention and love from men. What this did was make me want to hear I love you, you’re smart, you’re awesome, not stupid like I often heard my mom called.

Well, I didn’t get so lucky in love because what I am realizing with growth and study, is that I have some pretty deep co-dependent issues. Here are some of the things I heard from men in my life. You’re stupid. Too stupid in fact to ever raise intelligent kids. Your nose is big. Your eyes sink back in your head. Your thighs and butt are huge. You don’t cook like my mother. You needed a dad, that’s what’s wrong with you. You’re fat. You look ugly with the straight hair you were born with. You look ugly in contacts, it’s shows how bad your eyes are set back. You don’t measure up basically. Those are just a few of things I heard. I was never enough. No matter how hard I tried to remedy every bad thing I was ever told about myself, to some people, it was never enough. I now find myself on my 3rd marriage and although I married an amazing guy this time, I have even at times almost sabotaged this one too. Because of my feelings of never enough, if he wasn’t telling me how great I was on the hour, I told myself he thinks you’re fat, he thinks you’re ugly, he thinks you’re crazy. That’s the stupid stuff I told myself. Rather than see that he holds me at night and tells me 100 times a day he loves me more. Rather than see that he calls me during the day just to see how my day is going. Rather than see that we do everything together, just like I always wanted. I chose to only see the bad.

Then comes the day I realize that I will never be able to have a baby. This cut to the very core of my being because what that screamed at me again, you’re not enough. Women were made to do one great thing, have babies, you can’t do that either. I could be a step-mom and have a huge role in raising other women’s children, but I could never have one of my own. What was wrong with me? How was this even remotely fair? Although never truly understanding the purpose in this pain, I have found peace over it, and believed that some day, I would understand. I once had a preacher look me right in the eyes and said there is a purpose to your pain, I promise you. I still hold on to that word!

I have spent my entire adult life searching for love and acceptance and for somebody to think I was enough. My pursuit of perfection was never that somebody would see my life on social media and think man, she’s got it all. No, my pursuit of perfection was if I am perfect enough, if I am good enough, or do the right things that people want, they will love me and think I’m awesome! How incredibly sad is that! I mean I sound pathetic, but I’m honest. Somebody not liking me, somebody not approving of me, somebody not wanting to be around me, would almost spiral me into depression. I have literally spent days wondering what I did to people. It would eat me alive.

So what would I do to avoid these feelings you ask. Well, I do everything in my power to try to get people to think I’m great. I try to work hard. I try to do everything for everybody. I try to look great and be funny and have the best smile and appear to have the confidence that down deep isn’t there. Anything I can do to feel acceptance and feel better about myself. But, I also eat my pain away or spend too much time feeling sorry for myself! Not only have I almost sabotaged my marriage, but I have sabotaged friendships because I have believed crazy things in my head! Ever done that? Ever been so insecure that you sabotaged relationships?

I am here to tell you though, there is some silver lining to my story. I was laid off at the beginning of this pandemic and for a few days, I spiraled. Even though I understand the economic ramifications of what is going on, I still saw that as you’re not enough at work. You didn’t work hard enough, you didn’t do enough. You would die if I told you how much weight I have gained, but it’s okay! Here’s what I am learning through everything. Number one, I am enough. God made me just like he wanted me and I am enough! Number two, I was made for more! Number three, I am learning to love myself, flaws and all and I don’t need anybody else to love me, I am figuring out how to love myself. I’m smart, I can be funny. I love and love hard. I am a good motivator and cheerleader to people. I am organized. I am an amazing wife and step-mom. I am an amazing daughter and sister and friend. I am a great cook and entertainer. Have I screwed up? Oh royally, but that is my story! Will I screw up again? Yes! Will I hurt people? Not intentionally, but probably yes! Will I fail again? Yes! But, like John Maxwell says, if you’re going to fail, just fail forward.

What I hope somebody realizes is this. Don’t fear your past. Don’t fear your failures and all the ugly things about yourself. Get up! Get up, wipe yourself off, grow and go be you! You have a gift! You have a gift that the world needs! You were made for so much more! Don’t be defined by your past. Don’t be defined by people’s opinions and judgments. They don’t matter! Use those things and let them make you stronger! You are enough! Here’s something for you, my husband is telling me to go figure out what I want to be when I grow up! That’s how much he believes in me! And, that’s how much I believe in you! Now go be great! Your story is your story for the calling that you have in your life! What will you do with that? Only you get to decide! Don’t be a victim, be a victor!

With love for you all,

Shauna