Evil Stepmom or “Bonus” Mom

Why is it that in most Disney movies they depict stepmoms as wicked or evil? Finally, a few years back there was a movie made called Stepmom that actually depicted something a little more realistic that shows the struggles from all angles, the kids, the dad, the mom and the stepmom. Hey, blended families are not for the weak I can tell you that! Being a stepmom isn’t easy. Maybe for me it’s been a little harder because of my struggle in not having a biological child of my own when I so desperately wanted one, BUT, I am here to tell you, that if this is your calling in life, you can make it one of the most rewarding jobs you ever have and the blended family can actually prosper and produce happy, productive kids!

My husband and I started dating about 11 years ago, married 9 tomorrow. At first, I wasn’t sure I wanted to jump into that role. It was a few months before I ever met the kids and spent any kind of quality time with them. But, they won me over pretty quickly. I remember the first time the kids talked me into going to a sporting event. I had not met their mother and really wanted to sneak in there and be invisible. As luck would have it, the 4 year old sees me and starts screaming my name. So much for not being seen! At first, I think that’s how you approach the role, you want to be apart but yet still be invisible. Everybody involved has to figure out your role and how you’re going to fit into the dynamics of their family and their new normal as well. I don’t think I maneuvered the role very well in the beginning. I wanted my own child so badly and in my 30s those dreams were sliding by pretty quickly. Couple that with the fact that I had this innate need for love and attention like I had an innate need for food, didn’t bode well and I wanted to swoop in and save the day. These kids didn’t need another mother, they had one and my role was not to take over her role as their mother. I read book after book after book on co-parenting and blended families and being apart and how to navigate this. I remember in one book the author, who was stepmom herself, said that divorced parents are not going to agree on everything, if they were that agreeable, they most likely wouldn’t have been divorced in the first place. Okay, so we’re not all going to agree on everything or think the same way on everything, but we can all co-parent, have our individual roles and get along! So here’s what I learned and have tried my  best to live. These kids deserve us both in all our glory. We all bring our unique personalities to them and that’s okay! And, it’s okay for the kids to have both and not have to choose or make one more important than the other! They should never be put in that position. EVER! One of us may be a good cook, one may not. One may be able to sew, one not, one better with homework, one not. You get my drift here. Chances are, it’s going to be two different households but both serve the purpose of raising well rounded kids that become successful adults some day. Here’s a side thought for you though. There’s a pretty good chance that you and your husband’s ex-wife actually have some things in common. WHAT!? Yep! Most people do have a type in choosing partners! If you’re struggling, maybe try to find that common ground. Hear me when I say that you and the birth mother can get along, can talk, you can have joint parties for the kids, you can celebrate holidays together and like my situation, even go on vacation and stay in the same hotel room for a week! Those kids need to see a united front and never should be made to feel like they have to choose one set of parents over the other. We’re all adults and it’s not the kids fault their family was split up in the first place.

That being said, I know not every situation is easy. I’m sure there have been times my kids mom has not been happy with me or liked something I did. We’re human, but even if you’re not getting along like we have, you can work on yourself in the situation. If either the stepmom or birth mom are  not willing to make this work, I’m not sure you can really do it alone, but you can try, for the kids sake. My suggestion is read books, pray, talk to a counselor, figure out what you can do to help the situation and not bring more turmoil to it. If you’re a struggling mom, no matter from what side, give yourself some love and patience through this journey! None of us are perfect and we don’t have to be! We can all realize though, that any amount of love our kids receive is a good thing! Any amount of help, guidance, support we can all give will not be in vain! Let’s raise some pretty great kids and some day, we will all be rewarded for all our tears, sleepless nights and days we’ve told God we’re not sure we can do this! We can do this! TOGETHER!

With love for you all,

Shauna