Asides

I have literally been fighting writing about this topic for two days now, but the urge to write about it is not going away so here goes…Let me first start by saying from the very beginning that I will simply be sharing my story! Trust me when I say, I want to help other people, not judge them!

So here goes…I will be the first to admit that I have daddy issues, and that has formed the men I have chosen and many decisions I have made concerning relationships throughout my teen and adult life. My dad wasn’t around or involved in my life growing up. He worked a great deal, I will totally give him that, he was a hard working man who provided financially for our family, and for that I am appreciative, but he also chose other people over being there for my brother and myself.  I realize that many say it is a generational thing for dads, they worked and moms stayed home and took care of the kids, but I don’t believe that is any excuse for not being involved in your children’s lives. To a girl, your dad is the first man you will love, the person by whom you hold the standards of how men treat you.  I never remember my dad hugging me, or showing up for anything I was involved in or even just taking the time to sit down and talk to me. It was awkward for him to even say he loved me. It was awkward for us to stand near each other and take a picture. He never told me I was smart or beautiful or special in any way.  We never talked. I laughed the other day telling someone that my brother and I could have skipped school every day of the week and totally flunked out of school and I’m not sure my dad would have ever known. It’s not funny, that’s just the reality. Not only was that going on, but he didn’t always treat my mom well. I grew up listening to my mom be screamed at and called names. I typically spent all my time at home in my room with my music blaring to drown it all out. To the outside world, my dad could be absolutely amazing! People loved him, he was Mr. Personality, but he was very different to those of us who he should have been taking care of. I remember in high school just thinking I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I did very well in school and did what I was supposed to do to go to college, took the SAT, did well, applied to IU, got in, applied to a program in the School of Optometry and got it…and then…started dating a guy. A much older than me guy who wanted me to get a job and not go to college so guess what I did? Yep, I got a job instead. DUMB!!! Not one of my smartest moments, but it got me out of the house. I thought this was going to be so awesome and right away, I set out trying to do anything in my power to please this guy.  This totally set me on a path of people pleasing because it got me attention. I did this in every relationship I was ever in. I had to look the best, work the hardest, being an immaculate house keeper and an awesome cook because that’s what I thought would cause somebody to love me and take care of me and pay attention to me. Let me just tell you, that did not get me the love and attention I so desperately sought.  One would think that given that upbringing,  that I would have turned out to be pretty unemotional and not much of a touchy person, but I am in fact quite the opposite. I turned out to be a very needy person and quite honestly, looking back, I’m not sure how any guy would have wanted to sign up for that. What that did was allow me to get into some abusive relationships and to take things from men that was far worse than anything my dad ever did.

OK, let me turn this around now. I had to give you a little back story. This is not a bash my dad or bash men post at all! I have had to pray a lot and go to quite a bit of counseling over the years to deal with these issues, but one thing I have to impress is that I have finally arrived a place of forgiveness. I had to because it wasn’t hurting my dad or anybody else that’s hurt me, it was hurting me and I choose to live a life of joy. I don’t want to live in bitter or reliving the pain of the past every day of my life. I am not the only one with a dad like that, I am not the only woman who has been abused and I am not going to feel sorry for myself! I am who I am today because of what has happened in the past but if I can help somebody else not live through any of that, then that’s my mission! Women, talk to your husbands/boyfriends/significant others/grandfathers/uncles about the way they treat these girls and get them to understand the importance of loving them, telling them how special they are, taking them out for a date night, just asking how their day went and showing an interest! We can influence the type of person our daughters and grand daughters and nieces end up with and how they allow themselves to be treated!

Lastly, if you’re a woman who has dealt with any issues like this where you felt unloved, abandoned, abused get professional help! This does not have to define who you are! You are beautiful! You are loved! You are capable! You can do and be anything you want to be in life!!! Find it in your heart to forgive that person. Notice I didn’t say forget because I don’t think we ever truly forget, but we can forgive and I think to move on, we have to forgive! I don’t know what you believe, but you do have a heavenly father that does love you so very much and thinks that you are perfect so rest in that!

With love for you all! Shauna