The Outside Doesn’t Match the Inside

It’s been so long since I have written. So much has changed in life. So much has changed within me. If you have followed anything I have written before, you know that this growth journey, although I didn’t even know what that meant, began on my birthday in 2018. This began a long five year journey on myself. A hard journey. A long journey. A sad journey. A journey where I had to remove my blind spots and dig deep within. I had to realize some things about myself. I am a desperate, and recovering, people pleaser. I always had this innate desire deep within to fit in and felt it necessary to seek acceptance and love from everyone else. What I realized however; was this wasn’t actually something I was born with, this was due to something I was lacking in my life. What I was lacking really isn’t the theme of this blog, but for you to understand the why in what I am about to share with you, that gives you a backdrop.

I found an old picture the other day from my 20’s. Let me first tell you how I felt. I felt fat and overweight. I felt ugly and unloveable. Now let me tell you what I saw in the picture. I was far from that obese young woman that I felt I was. What I saw was a very thin girl who was in an extremely unhappy time in her life. I was actually taken back by how thin I was and yet, I felt obese. I was far from obese so why did I feel that way? One reason is I was trying to please and find love with someone who I now know dumped their own insecurities on me, and I bought into that view of myself. I bought into that so deeply that became my self image.

In the next chapter of my life, I would deal with infertility and the drugs made me gain massive weight. Ironically, at this point I really was overweight, but I felt exactly like I did as that thin girl in my 20’s. So how can that be? A good 30-40 pound difference and I saw myself the exact same way.

In 2016 as my dream of ever becoming a mother would come to an end forever, I decided to go back to my friend and trainer and get my health back. I lost 30 pounds of pure fat. My body fat was the lowest it had ever been. I found a picture during this time frame as well, and I looked pretty freaking good. Guess what…you guessed it… the way I viewed myself never changed. Those same insecurities were still screaming in my head.

In Covid, I gained it all back, and then some. I was laid off from my job, scared of finances crumbling, scared of getting sick, fear of the future, feeling rejected and food was my best friend. It seemed overnight, it all came back. Now I am dealing with a whole new season, menopause. Lord help me! Clearly throughout my entire adult life, I have had a clear unhealthy relationship with food and my appearance and self-worth.

Are you starting to get the picture here? No matter what size I was, my self image was flawed. I didn’t love myself on the inside and looked for it in all the wrong places, in everybody else’s acceptance or lack thereof. In other people’s words. In other people’s treatment of me. Whether I was 117 pounds or 180 pounds, I saw myself the exact same way when I looked in the mirror. That’s the aha moment I have recently had. I was never going to change my outside health until I changed my inside mindset! With so much hard work, I finally accept myself. I finally love MY self! I realize that my outside was never going to permanently change until I got to this point! Now I am in the right place to make that change and get my body back to health. Now for the first time ever, my outside can match how great I feel on the inside.

In closing, I want to speak to somebody today who might find themselves in the same place. Your physical health has always been a challenge for you, you’re an emotional eater, other people’s words or treatment have caused you to neglect yourself, and played a role in where you’re at. Please hear me loud and clear today, start by working on your inside. Work on your head, work on your heart, work on your mindset. When you finally feel good about yourself, you can start working toward that overall health, which is what we all deserve! Find a coach or a mentor, or a friend or family member who loves you and will help you take back your mind, body and soul! Today is day one on my journey back to overall health. I invite you to join this journey with me! Are you in? Let’s positively change our lives forever!

With love for you all,

Shauna