As I set writing this, the day before mine and Chad’s 11th wedding anniversary, I am saddened thinking about all the divorces I have heard of this year. It’s like every day another celebrity, another motivational speaker, another couple announces the end of their marriage. What have we created in our homes that made all of this togetherness we have experienced this year a bad thing? Where has our focus turned to? We used to hear we don’t have enough time to spend together, and when we’re given that time, instead of seeing the blessing in it, we grow tired of each other. What a sad day we live in. Now I’m not naive enough to think this has all stemmed from too much togetherness. We have had stress this year unlike anything I’ve experienced in my lifetime. Jobs lost or hours cut meaning less money, yet bills still remain. That’s a domino effect that then touches every aspect of life. Stress, depression, and anxiety are rampant.
Chad and I are surviving this year. We survived a lay off for me, a year of growth for me, publishing a book, the start of a new job, exhaustion of overtime for Chad trying to make up for my lost income, and a kid moving back in. Yes, like all of you, we’ve had a crazy year that could have wreaked havoc. I won’t lie, we’ve had some darker days, as I’m sure some of you have as well, but I’m proud to say we’ve made it. Please don’t think I am tooting any horns here, or judging you if your marriage didn’t survive. It all makes my heart hurt, but I’m proud that with God’s help our marriage turned a corner this year. You see, we’ve just come through a couple of really hard years. It’s been maybe the hardest two years not only of our marriage, but to me personally in my adult life. This year, even with the hard things, we are reaping the fruits of our labor and hard work on our relationship. The thing that got me through the tough days this year was knowing without a shadow of doubt that Chad had my back and was with me 100% of the time. You see, those dark days proved to me that he was here, for the long haul, and he wasn’t going to hurt me.
You might say that’s really great for you, as you roll your eyes, and think I’m just gloating. Far from what I’m doing. I never gloat. Marriage is hard and anybody that says otherwise isn’t telling the truth. Chad and I had a pretty easy 9 years until 2018 and then I had a couple of really hard emotional years that took a serious tow on our marriage. You have to make a conscience choice every day to get up and to work hard, love the other person when you don’t really like them, and be humble enough to know when you need to get help. You have to be vulnerable, both of you. You have to remember what made you fall in love to begin with, and decide each day to work through the hard things.
Statistically speaking, Chad and I had a pretty low chance of making it. We both brought baggage from previous marriages, he had children so we became a blended family, we dealt with fertility struggles, I had some deep emotional issues from abuse, and honestly neither one of us had the examples of good marriage role models in our parents’ marriages. I don’t say that to belittle our parents’ efforts because I know they tried. I just say that to say that the cards were against us from the very beginning.
I am for sure not the expert on marriage, in fact, very far from it, but I have come to realize that what you focus on expands. If I continually focus on all of Chad’s weaknesses and he continually focus on mine, we have no chance. If we both continually focus on the fact that we dearly love each other, and want to work hard to make this the best marriage for us both, our marriage will flourish. Don’t stay in an abusive relationship, but take off your rose-colored glasses and be honest about how bad things truly are. Don’t be so quick to throw in the towel when things get hard. There’s unbelievable satisfaction and joy when you succeed, and when you look back with pride that you made it! Life isn’t a Hallmark movie. Marriage is not like what you see on the movies. Don’t put those expectations on it, or you will set yourself up for failure.
Hopefully today, if you’re struggling in your relationship, you will make the choice to stop and really take a deeper look. Ask yourself, am I choosing the easy path by wanting to leave this relationship, or are there deeper issues that I can work on to save it. For me, I chose to get professional help for those things from my past that I had not dealt with so Chad and I had a fighting chance. Even if something has happened in your marriage, there can still be forgiveness and there can still be healing. You see, we are all imperfect people trying to make it. We will screw up. We will hurt each other, we’re human, but despite the flaws, despite sometimes the pain we can cause either other, there can be restoration, and you can create that relationship that you are so proud of. Nobody is perfect, but don’t focus on that! Remember, what you focus on expands! For those dealing with divorce during this awful time, my heart, and prayers go out to you, and I hurt for you. I pray you come through it stronger, grow through it, and don’t let it take you down! Focus on healing and focus on better days ahead! Let’s all choose today to focus on better days ahead! I truly believe there can be growth in all relationships in 2020!
With love for you all,
Shauna
Shauna's Sisters 