What is a perfect life to you? Being married to the same person and celebrating 50 years of marriage, having 2.2 kids, watching them grow, marry and come home with their 2.2 kids for Sunday dinner around the table? Having the same job and retiring from there after 25 years? Having the perfect home, with the perfect white picket fence, a spouse that adores you and driving the perfect kids around in your perfect SUV or mini van, and being PTO mom of the year? I’m not going to lie to you, that used to be my view of perfection and to some, it may still be. You may be blessed enough to be living that life, counting your blessings every single day. If that’s you, my hat is off to you and it makes my heart happy!
As I set last night reflecting on my past, and my life, that is for sure not the pictures you will see in the photo albums of my life! Not even close to what you will see! As I looked back, marriage, divorce, no kids, a few more jobs than I would have liked in my life, some hard years where I really had to soul search, I began to really get angry with myself and I began to really mourn what I thought my life was going to look like at 45. Anybody else ever been there? I very quickly had to change my thoughts around or else I would probably have gone and hit the pantry and ate myself into a coma. Whose picture of my life am I trying to attain anyway? Who said all of those things I listed as a perfect life are in fact some idea of perfection? Whose judgments am I putting on myself? And besides, the past is the past. It is my past and there is nothing I can do about it now. At this point, all I can do is think somewhere in my mess is a message. Somewhere in my life hopefully somebody said she fought, she’s a fighter and she keeps getting up every single time!
So why do we spend time looking back?? You know in our cars, the review mirror is smaller, and the windshield is bigger. Why is that? We are not supposed to spend so much time looking back! Did you learn? Did you grow? Did you become better? Did you ask for forgiveness? Okay, so then who is telling you to feel guilty about it all? I am a woman of faith and at this point in my life, I better understand God’s grace and mercy and if I look back, not with guilt, I can see that God always brought me through, and I believe he has forgiven me for any past failures. He can use those things to help other people going through similar things!
Besides, look how blessed my life has been and is now! I have a husband who adores me. I have a husband who works through hard things with me. I have been given step kids. I have had some amazing jobs that allowed me to meet some amazing people, and travel to some amazing places. Do I wish that I still had my job working for my brother from home that allowed me to go to the gym every morning for 2 hours and travel to CA a few times a year? Yes, I do, but God has another plan for me.
So where do I find myself today? Not depressed like I went to bed! I find myself hopeful that what is coming in my future is so much better than I could have dreamed up for myself. Do I have a vision and do I have goals and a dream? I sure do and I believe somehow that they’re going to come through.
Please don’t sit and look back with guilt, shame, unrest and blame on yourself today. See that you have some amazing blessings in your life and those tests are your testimonies and those messes are your messages! Decide today to dream again and have a growth mindset and look forward with hope and anticipation. If you are really honest with yourself right now anyway, my guess is that your depression from your past lies a great deal in other people’s opinions and judgments of you. Well listen to me my sister, listen to me my brother, those people couldn’t have walked half a mile in your shoes so why let them matter now? They don’t and that’s not whose opinion we should be worried about anyway!
With love for you all,
Shauna
Shauna's Sisters 