Coco

If you follow my blogs at all, you know I was never able to have biological children. This has been a struggle for me my entire adult life. I finally made peace with it and moved on. Many times I thought about getting a puppy to care for, but I am a little OCD about my house and lets be honest, a little selfish about my time and ability to just go whenever I want to, so I would always look at cute pictures or other peoples puppies, and think they’re cute, not for me. My brothers have been telling me for a year how much I needed a puppy in my life. About a month ago, as I am sitting at my desk, I receive a picture of the cutie in the picture above. She had arrived at my house unannounced, but the second I got home and saw her, I was in love. The week she arrived had been one of the most trying weeks of my life. I had been dealing with some family issues, and new duties at my job and was just stressed. I literally would come home and hold that precious thing and as she looked up at me, I experienced love like I would imagine mothers do holding their babies. I felt like God had sent that puppy to me at a time when I needed some unconditional love and something to just need me and have no expectations except to just hold her and love her.

As the month has progressed, she’s grown, she’s getting teeth, she needs taken out all the time, she needs regular baths from rolling around in her poop, she’s chewing on everything and life has continued to be stressful. As I work long hours, she’s not getting the attention she needs and I’m too tired to deal with it. Bring on the guilt, bring on the added stress and bring on the feeling like a failure. I literally said to a friend, I can’t even be a doggie mommy, I suck!

For some reason, my entire life, I’ve always put perfection on myself. The best wife, best cook, best friend, best employee, best daughter, best sister, my house had to be perfect, I had to perfect a garden and then learn to can. I have never allowed myself the grace to fail. That wasn’t an option because then it meant I was less than, then it meant people wouldn’t love me, then it meant people might see me as a failure. Bring in my little Coco and I should be rocking this doggie mommy thing, but honestly, right now, I can’t handle it. Yep! A failure!

As I set in counseling yesterday crying telling my counselor how I was feeling, I read her a letter that I wrote to myself recently. As I read it, she says to me where is Shauna in the mix? Where is your love for yourself? Where is your self-care because right now, you’re getting none! You’re worried about taking care of everybody else, but who is taking care of you? Um…nobody. I just keep piling it on and piling it on and piling it on. Is that okay? NO! Where did we come up with this idea that we had to be perfect and that we didn’t have to take care of ourselves first. Where did this notion come from? Society? Social Media? Friends? Family?

So I made the decision to find Coco another home and I have to say, it couldn’t have been any more perfectly orchestrated. As I set and held her and cried, I knew it was okay. What I gave her over the past month and what she gave me, will forever be in my heart. The timing just wasn’t right for me, or was it? I choose to believe that Coco and I met when we needed each other the most, and now she’s moved on and I must too. I am not a failure because I couldn’t handle this right now.

So let yourself fail! Give yourself the grace to fail! Then pick yourself back up, love yourself and move on! It’s okay to fail! It’s okay to admit that you can’t handle something!   You don’t have to be perfect all the time! So today, I refuse to say I failed at being a doggie mommy to Coco. I didn’t fail her! I loved her and gave her a safe place! That’s how I will remember her! That’s the grace I will show to myself! So at times when you fail at something, I hope you show yourself a little more grace and love!

With love for you all,

Shauna