I recently watched Rachel Hollis’ conference on Amazon Prime called Made for More. Side note, if you haven’t watched it, I urge you to take two hours, sit down and watch it. She said something that struck a nerve with me to my core! She said that for years she used to go around saying the phrase “Everything Happens for a Reason”. I have been the Queen of that statement since about 1995! I would go around saying it every single day for every single thing that happened. What I now realize is I was running from actually dealing with things in my life by telling myself God let it happen for a reason, it must just be part of my story. While that is true, I understand that by simply making that statement, I was in turn not dealing with the real struggles I had been dealt with in life. I had not begun the process of forgiving others and more importantly forgiving myself!
My story really isn’t different than so many people. I grew up in an extremely verbally abusive household. At 19, I married somebody much older than me and what I realize now is it was a way to run away from that problem, away from that hostile home, but I literally ran right into another one. I was smart in school. I worked hard in school, I wanted to be the first one in my family to go to college, but I found another way of escape and I took it. I ran into the arms of somebody who would verbally abuse me like my father did my mother, and for 7 years, during some of my most formative years, I lived with it. Being told I was fat so I would sneak food under the seat of my car, being told I was stupid and I could never open my mouth if we had kids. Being told I couldn’t get pregnant until I lost weight because I would only get bigger. Those were just a few of things I dealt with on a daily basis. And then, when I finally had the guts to leave, I was called all sorts of names and had so much said about me.
Then came a rebound marriage, albeit to a very nice guy, but to somebody who was raising his two children and that I thought would provide me stability and the ability to be a mother. What I would learn during this marriage, I could not have children of my own. How unfair that I could raise somebody else’s kids and not be a mother of my own. This marriage was to somebody who couldn’t deal with my emotional baggage and would just choose to ignore it. And in his defense, why would you deal with it? Not to mention that fact that he was somewhat broken in his own way and had his own baggage, he couldn’t take on mine. Guess what, I was running away from years of stuff that I hadn’t dealt with and then to top it off, the loss of motherhoood with fertility drugs being pumped into my system, caused depression and insecurities to come pouring out of me so strongly that I didn’t know how to handle it. Not excuses, just telling you where I was coming from. I was by far not perfect in this marriage and I don’t try pretend I was.
Divorce number 2 and boy did the talk really reach new levels! What I have come to realize is though is that nobody else matters, what matters is I had to find a way to forgive myself. I had to find a way to realize that those things happened to me and they have made me who I am today. I have had to take responsibility for my actions through it all and realize those things do not define me and they do not define my future. I have had to realize that I have people in my past that I have had to forgive, even though I may never receive an apology, to live a life of purpose and peace. Did God let those happen to me for a reason? I don’t know, I know God gives us our own free will, but regardless of any reasons for any of that, I can maybe keep somebody else from living that way. I can maybe help somebody else be free from living years of a scar filled existence where you really aren’t living, you’re existing. Now THAT I know, is not how God intended for us to live our lives!
What about my inability to have a baby. Yes, this one I would most assuredly always say, there’s a reason here, some day I will understand, but honestly, that was just to appear strong and get people to leave me alone about it. What is the reason behind somebody who would have been an amazing and loving mother, who gave so much for other people’s kids, to not be able to be a mother? I have absolutely no idea. I don’t think there was necessarily a reason either, it’s just my story, it’s my journey, it’s just life! I can choose to let this define me, or use it again to help other people so they don’t go through it alone.
Why do I say all of that? I don’t say it for sympathy. I don’t say it to make you understand who I am. I say it all to ask you, will you take those hard things life has dealt you and stand up for another person. Will you take off your mask that says my life is perfect, everything is okay and be transparent enough to say I’m not okay, life has sucked for me, but I choose to use it for good. I am not bitter, I have forgiven and I have become better! Will you use your testimony to help somebody else instead of choosing to continue to sit around and cry for yourself and feel sorry for yourself. How about instead of saying everything happens for a reason, we say everything happened for a reason to allow me to say I made it through, I survived and you can too! That’s the whole reason I started Shauna’s Sisters! So as Rachel Hollis says, this is me!! The good, the bad and the ugly, but I know that the sharpest words won’t stop me from helping others and being who I am meant to be!
With love for you all!
Shauna
Shauna's Sisters 