I have been writing my blogs on Tuesdays and Thursdays each week, but today, I feel very strongly that I am supposed to write today on the subject I am about to touch on. My journey with these blogs started out with my desire to help other women and men dealing with fertility issues; however, until this morning, I have not felt led to talk about it. Even though I am beyond this, the subject is still a very raw and an emotional subject for me to address.
My journey with fertility began in 2002. Although I have always had a rough time with female issues, I never dreamed they would cause me to never birth a child. The thought that I couldn’t do that never ever crossed my mind. I have a huge family and having babies just happens right? Not for everybody! I tried and tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant. When I couldn’t, they began running tests on me. The first few things they did came back normal and I was even told, this could do it, this could be the push you need. Every time I believed this was it! This was THE procedure that would make it happen! Every time to be let down. Finally after seeing a specialist out-of-town, they sent me straight to surgery and discovered that I was covered with endometriosis. They felt like they were able to get it all, and said let’s start trying to make this happen. I began having to give myself shots in my stomach, take all kinds of tests and make several trips out of town. At my first attempt at artificial insemination, I just knew, although the odds were against it happening the first time, that it was going to happen for me. My faith was so strong that I had purchased a complete set of baby furniture and I had clothes for days put away for this little baby. Needless to say attempt #1 did not happen so we start on attempt #2; however, the medications had over stimulated my ovaries so they could not try that month. It could have been detrimental to me. Back on birth control pills I go, to get rid of cysts that had filled my insides. By this time, I had put on about 30 pounds and had begun to deal with severe depression. I remember thinking everybody in my life would just be better off with me dead. I had never dealt with such depression in my life. I felt like the thing God had put me on this earth to do, I could not do, and I felt like half a woman. Every time one of my cousin’s would get pregnant, I would put a smile on my face and then go home and fall apart.
Driving to my parents house one night after work I literally heard God say you are taking matters in your own hands. I knew at that instant that I could not continue doing this to myself. I went home that night and told my then husband that I had to stop, I couldn’t do it anymore. That very night, his ex-wife called to say she was pregnant. Can I just tell you that I felt like somebody had punched me in the gut. What a cruel joke was being played on me, as I set and raised her kids. Something snapped inside me that day and I would never be the same after that.
After divorcing and remarrying, I wanted to try one more time with my current husband. He was such a gem through it all. He had two kids and was satisfied with that, but tried for me. This time I only tried one procedure and just like everything else, nothing with the procedure worked on me like it was supposed to. That was all I needed to just be done. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have had 3 surgeries and countless other procedures, not to mention the mental stress and the weight gain and what that all had done.
You can feel sorry for yourself all day long, and trust me, for years I did, but what does that solve? I have asked why so many women could have kids and they didn’t take care of them. I have asked why I could help raise other people’s kids but not my own. I’m not sure there’s a feeling and a question that I haven’t asked God. I am not a selfish person at all, but I did turn this to be all about me. I became the victim. Why me was often a question that I asked while looking at other women with their kids. What finally helped me was reading a story from a cancer survivor. She said she began asking why me when she was diagnosed but she finally realized, why not me? I’m no better than anybody else. In that moment, I realized I am not better than any other woman. Is it fair for other women to not be able to have kids but it’s not fair for me? The answer is no! Hannah in the Bible wanted a child so bad, and do you know what she dealt with? Her husband had another wife who was able to have children. Back in that day, it was seen as shameful to not be able to have kids, and you were seen as something being wrong with you. How devastating. You see, people have been dealing with this for hundreds of years. And while life doesn’t always seem fair, you have to trust that there is a purpose in your pain.
Here’s the lesson that took me years to learn with this. First, nothing is wrong with me, and I’m no lesser a person because I couldn’t bear children. Second, just because I wasn’t blessed with a biological child of my own doesn’t mean I wasn’t blessed with children. They just came a different way to me. Sometimes they come in different ways than we think they should. God brought me step kids. Maybe he brought you foster kids, or adopted kids, or the neighbor kids who adore you, or nieces and nephews who adore you. I had to change my focus and realize that not being a biological mother did not define me. I am Shauna, I am wife, I am sister, I am daughter, I am friend, I am step-mom, I am many things, but I am not Shauna the woman who couldn’t have a baby! Nothing is wrong with me, my path is just different from what it looked as a teenager dreaming of a family some day. Yes, I wanted the husband, 2 kids, and the white picket fence and you know what? I got all of that and more!
My prayer for anybody dealing with this is that you try to focus on being grateful for the many things you do have in your life and not the one thing you don’t have. Somebody right now is looking at you wishing they had what you have! There is a purpose and there is a plan and you are amazing, just like you are!! YOU are not a lesser person! Get help and get help for your marriage if it’s causing issues for you and your spouse! Your life can be happy and peaceful, that I promise, and that I am living proof of!
With love for you all!
Shauna
Shauna's Sisters 